Elite solitude,
professionally delivered.
With years of experience walking in mostly the right direction, I provide end-to-end trail solutions for individuals seeking quiet, perspective, and sore legs.
Hiking brings me solitude. Specifically, solitude with my dog, Zoko — who never asks if we are almost there and never talks about his startup at 2,000 meters. For a modest fee of zero, I will bring that solitude to you, alongside several other people, which somewhat defeats the point.
*From the hike. Returning for another one is a separate metric we do not track.
Case studies
Verified client testimonials. Clients are my friends. This has not affected objectivity.
Upcoming hikes
Carefully curated trails where I walk in front with Zoko and you question your cardio behind us.
Gastronomic Effort & Suffering Classification
Standard alpine grades (T1–T6) are pretentious and meaningless. We classify all expeditions strictly by Duration and Required Emotional Support Calories.
Easy (Supernoob)
1–3 hours of walking
Basically a glorified dog walk. Bring one granola bar or a banana so you have something to hold while looking at a tree.
Medium ("Easy for a sporty bro")
4–7 hours of walking
Requires actual cardiovascular literacy. One summit sandwich, two emergency sugar spikes, and moderate questioning of your life choices.
Hardcore
7+ hours of walking
Two full meals, pocket cheese, sour gummies, electrolytes, and a legally binding promise not to cry until we reach the car.
Begin your journey.
Our onboarding process is simple: you message me, I send you a Komoot link, you complain about the start time. Spots are allocated on a first-come, first-whined basis.
Not a licensed guide. Not insured. Snacks provided at Zoko's discretion.